I have to preface this by saying I write when Holy Spirit prompts me to write and I really don’t want to write this, but here it goes. One year ago yesterday I went over to my dad’s house, because he said he wanted to talk with me. I had been suspecting something wasn’t quite right over the past few months but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He sat me down, and he told me that he suspected he had cancer, and he had suspected and suffered with it for almost 3 years now, and what he was telling me was that he didn’t think he’d have much time left. He didn’t want treatment, he just wanted me to know. I don’t think I even cried during that conversation, because I do this thing where I feel like I have to be strong for people sharing deeply painful things with me even though I feel their pain in the depths of my soul. But, I put on my brave face. I felt such a mix of emotions that day and the week that followed. My family and I were scheduled to take a week long vacation the next day, and we did, not knowing what would happen, not knowing if it was the right choice. But I felt saddened, angry with him for not saying anything, frustrated that it didn’t seem like I could do anything to help, and fearful, of losing my father. Adam and I stayed in a little condo in a podunk Arkansas town, and the saving grace there was what was called the “cool pool.” We went everyday, almost all day, and had really special family time. But when the evening hit, so did the reality of what he’d told me, and the deep, pain filled grief, and Adam held me as I cried myself to sleep each night. That season was and has been one of the most difficult times I’ve experienced. That very same week, prior to the the news from my father, is when our foster son came back to us, which came with it’s own unique set of challenges. Shortly after, my beloved grandmother passed away, and then, we experienced immense hurt and betrayal within our own extended family.
It seemed as if the fire was being turned up 100 fold and at many points, we weren’t sure we would make it. I remember asking the Lord how much more could I handle… The other thing in addition to my “brave face” that I do, is I handle things myself. I don’t like to ask for help. But in this season, I had to let go of both of those things, and I felt like I was so exposed. I had to open up and be real about how I felt with Jesus and with trusted people in my life, and I had to release control and admit I needed help. And I was surrounded and supported by such a beautiful community of people who brought meals, snacks, took care of my children, prayed for me, my family, my father, sat with me, listened to me, all of it. It made me think about Exodus 17:12, “When Moses’s hands grew tired, Aaron and Hur held his hands up- one on one side, one on the other - so that his hands remained steady.” I’m so grateful for the people the Lord provided to help hold up my hands, to help hold me up, when I felt so tired and weary.
By the time we returned from the trip, my dad had been hospitalized and was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. He proceeded to do radiation and chemo over the course of this past year. He is doing so much better and through all of it the Lord really grew our friendship in a special way. He is done with treatment now, I’m not sure what the future holds but I’m grateful for the time we have and the time he spends with my children as the Lord continues to sustain and work in him. We still have our foster son, and we are also unsure of what the future holds for him, but trusting in the Lord’s plan and timing. At my grandmother’s funeral I was prompted to share a song and the gospel message with my family as we honored her life, and I was nervous and full of peace all at the same time. I know the Lord touched hearts that day. As for the hurt and betrayal within our extended family, we are still in process of working through that with the Lord, believing for true healing and restoration in the Lord’s timing, not ours.
It has been such a season of refinement. The suffering, the pain, it was producing in us faith. A deep unwavering faith that no matter what is happening around us, the Lord has us, IF we let Him have us. I think sometimes we want the Lord to take control but we aren’t willing to release it. I think that’s one of the things He was doing here in this season…reminding me that His ways are so much better. There is HOPE. Shortly after the explosion of hard things, the Lord gave us the gift of the Solomon’s Porch property. He was preparing us and continues to do so for all that is to come. And although strange to say. I am so grateful. This past year has been the most difficult, but where I’ve also seen the most growth in my life, my faith, heart and in relationship with Him.
2 Corinthians 4:17
For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.
This song above allowed me to weep and praise at the same time…I hope it brings you release, hope and encouragement as well.
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